Life thoughts.

Hello everyone. It's been a while.
This is going to be a rambly one, no editing, no nothing and for that I can only apologise. But I need to get some stuff out and this seemed the place to do it. You don't have to read this, it's hard beauty related but not everything in life is. Obviously. I feel like I deal so much with the superficial on here and that at times like this when I have no brain space for that sphere of things, this blog gets neglected. So here we go.

First things first. A levels and This Point In My Life.I am at the point where in 8 weeks, my school life will be over. That is a good thing, but at the same time completely terrifies me because it means in 8 weeks I will have done my A Levels and there will be no more I can do to ensure I get into uni this year. I've applied, I've got my place and I am so ready and excited to be going to uni that the idea of failing my exams makes me feel a little sick. It's also terrifying that, if it all goes to shit and I don't get in, my plans are out the window and I have to settle for a second-best place or stay where I am and take an involuntary gap year. It means I will have to come up with new plans and try not to resent the facts that it's because I failed.

Not to mention the stress of A levels is killing me. I can't sleep. I am exhausted all the time, falling asleep in lessons, falling asleep when I get through the door, waking up all through the night having crazy dreams. And I'm so tired that my limbs feel like granite and everything aches and hurts. It just doesn't feel right. Then we bring the emotional side effects to this stress. I cry all the time. Because I am tired, because revision feels so overwhelming, because my mum snaps at me and I'm too tired to shake it off like sane Sylvie would. Then I have my little breakdowns, deciding that if I'm struggling so much now, how the hell will I cope at uni? Or, like last week staying at my boyfriends, I wake up in the middle of the night and just cry because everything is too much.

I know this sounds incredibly melodramatic but honestly I have never been as tired and stressed as I am now, and I have never been under as much pressure academically or under so much pressure from myself. It's my party (blog) and I'll cry if I want to. I think this is the first time something I have wanted has been so much work and so totally in my hands. GCSE's were way easier and I didn't care as much. Even at AS I had the safety blanket of resits. No more.

I don't know how I could be coping with this all without my boyfriend. That guy deserves a cake for the amount of shit he's put up with from me, considering how grumpy and crazy and moody and bloody emotional I am at the moment. Poor guy. I really do love him. You know what else sucks? He has had to take an involuntary gap year and I (hopefully) will be living 200 miles up North. He will be so far away. This makes me sad but I am trying to see the positives - living somewhere I don't know anyone will force me to go out, be sociable and make friends. So there's that.

So what now?
I've got to the point where I've thought: Fuck it. Fuck being miserable and mopey and feeling sorry for myself. I have given myself the metaphorical kick up the ass that I needed. Tomorrow I start excercising. I stop eating so much shit as that hardly helps. I sit down, I work and then I will bloody well forget about it when I get into bed. No more dreaming about the Pilgrimage of Grace or that I have my exams and haven't revised (classic anxiety dreams) or that I'm being chased by bears (not so classic anxiety dreams). No more falling asleep in the evening, only to then work until 1 and fuck up my sleep cycle further. I will work like shit for 8 more weeks, then I can have the longest summer of my life and bloody well enjoy it. And no more worrying about next year. If it happens it happens. I can fucking well do it.

If you have got this far then I think you deserve a cake too. Unfortunately this all does mean a lapse in blogging but, as I am sure you will understand, it's not the most important thing right now. I am going to try and schedule a few posts on Sunday as my mother and boyfriend had some sort of intervention and made me promise I would take a revision break this weekend.
I hope you can appreciate this,
x
Song of the day - Avicii, Silhouettes
Straight ahead on the path we have before us, Ddy by day, soon the change will come.